Adoration
by Snowflakessy
Summary: Songfic. He adored her. Loved her more than anything. But he had never imagined that the aftermath of his betrayal will be so bittersweet and devastating for her ... and him.


**Disclaimer**: I do not own Bleach

**Note:** This song fic is based on a Chinese song: Adoration by Jasmine (Fish) Leong.

My first angst fanfiction.

Enjoy!

R&R

Sorry for grammar mistakes. I think I'll need to go looking for a beta soon...

* * *

_**Adoration**_

_**-  
**_

_Your attitude, your good graces, I existed in your being_

_You thought love meant being loved, you squandered away my adoration for you_

_-  
_

Since the day they met, he had always felt pushed toward her. He had always felt the urge to protect her from the evil.

She was too pure to be tainted by this cruel world. Her big chocolate eyes filled with trust and innocence... he couldn't let

them be tainted. He couldn't. He had to protect her.

From the moment his eyes laid on her, he knew she would be an important person in his life.

He'd adored her, loved her even. He would have done everything in his power to make her smile, to see her happy. He had hoped

would see him the way he saw her, hoped she wouldn't look at him, talk to him like he still was this young and unrepent

child. He had wanted her to see him as a man whom she could trust and love and feel protected.

And he had tried, tried so hard to be that man.

He failed.

He couldn't protect her like he promised he would. He let her down. He failed her.

And he despised himself for that.

She nearly died, leaving her in a long and silent coma. Unreachable.

He could still remember as crystal clear, the day she asked him to save him. Him. Always him.

And for that, he hated her.

Why couldn't she see him?

Why did it always been this traitor?

How could she be so blind?

_Since when did we drift apart, Hinamori? _

_Since when couldn't I understand you anymore?_

It hurt. It hurt so much. Deeply.

-

-

_I've lived, I've loved, but now I don't care_

_Loving til your heart's gone crazy and hating til your heart's gone sour, that's enough_

_Possibilities, opportunities - It's sad they no longer exist_

_It's really not easy to attain happiness, but still, why don't you have the courage to try?_

_-_

_-  
_

He didn't remember the way he died before. And honestly, it never bothered him. He didn't care much.

He had other things to think about. He had to take care of them, her and Granny. He might be young and small but he didn't mean

that he was stupid. On the contrary, his intelligence was something people would understimate, especially in Rukongai.

_"Shirou-chan! You know what? I met the captain of fifth division! He's so strong, Shirou-chan!"_

_" One day, I'll join the fifth division with Aizen-taicho! I swear!"_

_"He's so amazing, Shirou-chan! He's the fifth captain squad. He's so kind and takes care of his subordinates. I'm sure you'll like him too if you meet him!"_

He had heard those lines over and over, he knew more about him even though he had never met the man. He never understood what was so fascinating about him.

And then, he joined the Academy. To learn how to fight to take care of her because he knew with the luck she had, she would probably end up in the most terrific situations. He wasn't wrong.

He had learnt life, friendship, love through her and friends, through life.

He met friends and he met him... the man who stole her from him. He never liked him. What was so damn great about him anyway? Sure, he was polite, kind and charismatic. So what?

He wished he had never loved her. Because it hurt. His heart ached, still does. She completely ripped his heart, his soul but he still loved her, always will.

He wanted to hate her but knew he couldn't. He cared too much about her, too much to be healthy.

He wanted to forget her and deep inside, he knew he'd never succeed. It's a lost cause. His lost cause.

_"Are you going to kill him, Hitsugaya-kun?"_

_"Please Hitsugaya-kun. Save Aizen-taicho! Save him! I know what he's doing is wrong but..."_

It had never hurt so much. The sight of her, the tired eyes, the sad smile, the desperate words. She had never been so fragile than ever.

She was a broken soul now. Forever tainted by his betrayal. And he hated him for that.

Hate, despise, loath...call it whatever you want. He never loathed someone so much. Never had this urge feeling of killing.

He tainted her, broke her, haunted her in her dreams. And the worst thing was that he was completely helpless.

He could only watch the inevitable fall down. He couldn't reach her no matter how many times he tried. She was out of reach.

She couldn't heal, she wouldn't heal.

And it pained him more than anything...

Because she didn't have the courage to try.

-

-

_I even thought that we could be different from other people_

_I even thought the impossible could not be impossible (i.e. that the impossible was possible)_

_Kites have the wind, dolphins have the sea _

_I exist for myself _

_so I can understand, so I can leave (you)_

_so I no longer love for the sake of love_

_I'll live alone, apart from you_

_-_

_-  
_

She has always been different from others for him. And he didn't know why. She just managed to catch his eyes, his interest.

Maybe because she was so fragile looking, like a porcelain doll that could break in half. Or maybe because she was just this

first person who wasn't afraid of him and smiled widely to him.

Because she didn't see him as a freak like people in Junrinan thought he was, or a genius like every Shinagami saw him as.

Yes, she was different because she knew him.

He had had her a long time ago but he still lost her despite all his effort to prevent it.

He had lived for her, fought for her, protected her, existed for her...

But now, he had to learn to live for himself, to learn how to let her go.

To be away from her.

He'll live alone.

* * *

A/N: I originally planned to write a fic on Hinamori's feelings about Aizen based on this song. I began to write it and then I realized that it was more appropriate for an angst Hitsuhina fic. Voila!

I hope to post a Chirstmas fic around end of December, not sure though.I didn't write it yet (not even began!) but school takes a lot of time so yeah. I'm not very productive during school time.

But next story will be more ...euh... joyful? :D


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